I've had this DA account for like.. almost three years now; never wrote one journal entry ever. So I decided to start today.
Normally I write these feelings in my blog. But I'm getting bored of that.
Does this journal support HTML? We'll find out...

So I've been clean of hard drugs for 18 days today!! And two weekends. I am so fucking proud of myself you do not even KNOW! Words cannot express how ... blatantly hard that is.
I've honestly been doing hard drugs tight out for 3 years now. Fucking disgusting. And I've finally started noticing (actually i noticed 2 summers ago) that I am slowly starting to go crazier and crazier.. And get more and more washed out looking..
See, I have what is known as "bipolar disorder". (I always thought everyone would shun me when they knew..) I think everyone is quite familiar with this disorder. It's hard to explain exactly what it is, cause there are different severities and the specifics are different for everyone, to an extent. Anyway, you're not SUPPOSED to do drugs when you have a mental disorder. My therapist would always warn me that it could eventually make me snap one time (some acid trip) and I'd be like that permanently.. In some kind of permanent psychosis.
My moods, emotions, feelings, mindsets change daily, and hourly. Sometimes even by the minute..
Lately it HAS been getting worse. So I decided that bingeing on drugs and staying up for as long as 6 days at a time (and having a massive emotional breakdown at the end of said "strikes") was too much for me. I couldn't handle it any longer.

So I went back to my doctor and was told me that if I stay clean of hard drugs for a year, then I can go back on meds. Quitting meds to do drugs in the first place was a stupid idea, to say the very least. I didn't stay clean for much longer after that visit. Instantly I was back to doing my normal thing.. BUT I am doing better now. (:
It's been 18 days clean and I am drawing inspiration, confidence in myself, and (trying) to draw happiness from every aspect of my life.
Fuck it's hard when your emotions are constantly trying to fake you out. I don't even know how to explain this. It's like .. hard to decipher my emotions, period. Sort them out.. get my head straight.
I know my true emotions (after sifting through all the bullshit in my head), and right now I know I am unhappy with myself and my life.
With what I'm getting from my life right now, too. I am in a rut of sorts.. I am working on it. I swear.

On a side note:
My computer currently has NO MEMORY LEFT. So sad, so sad. Therefor, I can't upload video clips/pictures/etc to my computer!!! I need an external HD.
Part of this is due to the significant fact that I have a weeks worth of music on my computer.. Oops! ahahah.. I need to get a new iPod to put my music on. I would rather just use the external HD for pictures/videos/documents/etc.